I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
