I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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