Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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