I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
