My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
