Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
