Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
