Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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