look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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