Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
