You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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