HIV tests are more positive than that guy
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
