then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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