can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
