I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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