I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
