and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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