I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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