I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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