First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
