She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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