if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
