how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
