last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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