i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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