Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
