apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Come share oat with me in your robe
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
