Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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