Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's blow job season.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
