Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
They have beer where we have blood.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
