I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
