remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
