im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
