I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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