I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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