do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
