Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
