this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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