I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
