also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
pray to the hookup gods
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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