I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
