I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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