i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
