I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
