You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
