New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Farmville is her only friend.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
