When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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