it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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