it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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