Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
