Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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